It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
