I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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