i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
