3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
