im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
