I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
