i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
cat food counts as protein by the way
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
