even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I have surprise drugs for everyone
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
