her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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