Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
