Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
