I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
