I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
