My nipple is on Facebook.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
