well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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