I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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