I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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