Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
