If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
