I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
