My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Say something about gay babies.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
