Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
