I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
