Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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