Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
