Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
