My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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