So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
