When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
