I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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