Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
