My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
