I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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