y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I've blown a few things in my day
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
