Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
