OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
