Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
