No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
