Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
