You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
