My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
