God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
