you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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