Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i believe in u and ur pee
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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