And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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