There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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