Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
he puts the penis in happiness.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
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