make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
