Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
