You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You took a bar mat shot.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
