I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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