theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
